Healing Through Compassion: Releasing Shame

“Life is in large part a culmination of your experiences and responses. Much could not be controlled, yet you have the power and choice to embrace stagnation and create positive change. Shame brings pain, where compassionate acceptance and radical responsibility bring healing.” - Stephanie @ Finding Point

Personal Healing Through Compassionate Inquiry

Earlier today I saw a meme that said life is of your own doing and that you have no one to blame but yourself. Honestly… what a horrible message! To me, this is counterproductive as shaming yourself only brings more shame. For healing to occur, we must accept and embrace our mistakes, yet strive to do better through compassionate acceptance and radical responsibility.

Perhaps a fear response may truly stop some behaviors, but it more often creates a counterproductive cycle where we blame ourselves for not being all that we wish could be, and now! Our lives did not come with a guidebook… I don’t know about you, but I am far from perfect and that is okay! Expecting perfection and to know how to do something that you have no experience around is a set up for shutting down personal growth. How we relate to ourselves and the external world goes a long way in setting the tracks for our frame of mind and future.

An external example might be how you communicate with others… Imagine an important talk that you need to have with someone. When you approach them there are multiple ways to go about the conversation. You may enter in calm and kind seeing them as a being with their own unique thoughts and feelings… which usually leads to cooperation and positive insights. Another option is that you bring in angst, blame, and accusations, maybe telling them how they need to act. This usually does not end well, yet will breed contempt and additional ill feelings.

How We Speak to Ourselves Matters

What about when we bring this way of behaving/speaking back upon ourselves. When we tell ourselves we are foolish, or not good enough, or that we messed up… we set ourselves up for negative feelings that increase the pain that we often already hold. We become more stressed / depressed and less likely to succeed in our personal growth. Speaking darkly to ourselves only perpetuates the cycles we are often attempting to heal.

Yet if we speak to ourselves in a compassionate, loving manner we are more likely to feel better in the growth process, and will expedite positive change. The next time you make a mistake, try thinking, “I made a mistake but that is okay because I am a fallible human. Here are some places I would like to work on within myself, and I will make the effort to do better next time. When a mistake undoubtedly happens again, continue treating yourself with compassion as each time is a learning experience. With time, we can change how we perceive and act, or communicate to others and ourselves.

An excellent example of different responses to stimuli comes from studies with plants in which different energies and words are focused upon these living beings. In these type studies, which are numerous, plants are exposed to both negative and positive words, tone, and energy. What was found is that the plants receiving anger, contempt, and/or mean messages became sickly or did not grow well, while the plants receiving love and positive affirmations perked and flourished into healthier, happier plants. (1: Plant Growth Study). There are a multitude of these type studies that can be found on Google Scholar or in peer-reviewed scientific journals.

Releasing Shame Through Self-Empowerment Practices

At least for me, understanding how things work help me to apply and integrate new ideas or philosophies into my life. Below are some beneficial keywords that have been helpful to myself and many others as a way to create positive change.

Shame (not desirable): According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary, shame is described as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress”, often caused by incorrect action. (I don’t know about you, but feeling “humiliated” or “distressed” usually makes me want to crawl into bed and hide, not reflect as a way to assess and do better.)

Radical responsibility for one’s current life is a state in which one accepts full responsibility for all of their mistakes without the “should’s”, yet with an eye of self-empowerment as they recognize the keys to positive change are held within.

Compassionate acceptance is a different look as you see you made a mistake, but instead of beating yourself up, you accept that a mistake was made and make a personal decision as to if this elicits a desire to do better.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a great tool for challenging and reframing how we perceive and speak back to ourselves.

You Hold The Power To Heal

We cannot control what happened to us when we were a child. We can also not control past transgressions from ourselves or others, but we can switch from a mindset of shaming to accepting human error and embracing true self-responsibility for our future actions. This is an integral part of happiness and personal productivity.

You don’t know where you can grow until you try. Falling down is inevitable, but we each hold the power to lift ourselves to a higher ground than we may have ever stood previously. This is all in choice. Change takes time and there is often pain as we transition from less productive patterns into healthier mentalities in how we approach life and it’s many aspects.

From me to you I wish you healing and an immense amount of love. If you felt something stir in you as you read this, I hope you know that you are not alone in your path to healing and creating a more healthful inner being. The work you do on yourself changes not only your life, but all of those that you interact with.

May love and light guide your path as you find your way home to yourself.

With love,

Stephanie at Finding Point + Wellbeing